So yes its been a long time, 4 months to be exact… and wholly shit what a crazy 4 months its been… LIFE just got in the way!!! And my blogging plan actually got thrown out the window, and god dam, can you imagine my anxiety with this??? I was so excited, prepped and planned for my blogging journey, and to let go of “THE PLAN” was like level 5million of anxiety.
But I had to let it go. I had to remind myself, once again, that I need to be ok with my plan falling to shits.
I had a plan to write every week…HAHAHA what a f*ckin joke hey?
So in the last 4 months I have had a constant question running through my head…
Who am I? What am I achieving? What is my purpose? Why am I not satisfied? What’s missing in my life? I feel like I don’t belong? Why do I feel so anxious all the time? How do I create some balance? How do I find MY balance? What is f*ckin Balance???
Ok… so I’ve had a little more than one question going through my head. And I guess to package all these thoughts up into one sentence, ( coz lets be honest, I’m not a 1 word type of gal)…
I have been feeling really F*CKIN LOST…
I feel like I have lost my identity.
(Image Cred: Sasha Freemind)
So to get you up to speed… In the last 4 months as a family of 3, shit has been hectic. An out of the blue redundancy just before Christmas. Preparing to go back to work full time. Mentally preparing for EXTREME financial stress (does this ever stop?). Putting the short one in daycare, the stress and guilt involved with putting your kid in daycare….the GUILT god damn it. Hunting for a daycare, figuring out if you can afford the daycare. Managing the change of breastfeeding to formula (because Nate (the short one) just did not want a bar of my milk jugs anymore), with this, comes the feeling of not being “needed” by your kid which is weird. But then the freedom to drink and eat what ever the f*ck you want, when you want, is pretty god damn good.
The hubby then deciding to start a business. Me helping with the start-up, long hours…. and I mean LONG hours. All amongst mummying, domesticating, and all the other stuff. Starting to apply for jobs;
“But what bloody job can I do with the flexibility I need, and a pay that will support us buying 7 million boxes of nappies, 40 tins of formula, paying for daycare, and supporting my grape juice addiction?”
Being rejected from jobs I applied for (am I that unqualified, I have recently finished my MBA, surely that accounts for something?). Stress on the relationship with a new business. A crawling and now, a little bit more demanding toddler. No time for ‘date nights’, no money for ‘date nights’. Trying to get back to the pre-baby weight (so the good old myth of ‘once you stop breastfeeding – the weight will just drop off’ didn’t seem to be the case for me). Probably due to my new drinking habits to deal with everything…hahaha ( just joking, its not that bad).
Chuck into the mix, the Christmas shenanigans, a few crying sessions in the bottom of the shower, another family members new mental health journey, a few bouts of gastro, an emergency ambulance trip to the hospital, Nate turning 1 (like WTF), and BOOM!!!! 4 months gone!!!!!
So yeah, there has been just a few activities going on, hence my tardiness on the blog writing.
It brings me to today, and sharing my real, raw and a little crazy perspective on feeling f*ckin LOST as f*ck.
I never thought by becoming a mum, I would have this feeling. Is it because no one talks about this? Or maybe they dont talk about it in depth? And yes, I know everyone is different, and everyone has their own journey. But this journey I am on at the moment is bloody scary, and interesting, and enlightening, and F*CKIN WEIRD!!!!!
(Image Cred: Christal Yuen)
My friends would often say how I am so “black and white”. I know what I want, when I want it, and how I want it, especially when it comes to food, wine and fun activities. And that I’m confident.
A large glass of Windance SBS, with ICE, in glass – not plastic, with a second back up bottle waiting.
I think I will grab that meal, with extra sauce, a large Latte and a fresh orange juice with ice on the side ( you totally get more juice if you ask for ice on the side).
Maybe we should go to that cafe, because it has all the different zones, caters to everyone’s needs, and has a beautiful view.
I was honestly embarrassed and slightly mortified when my friends said that I was so black and white with my decisions. I thought f*ck I’m the annoying friend that has high expectations and totally hard to please.
But I thought, I don’t want to be that demanding, annoying friend!!! I started to think I was being selfish by being so strong on what I wanted, I thought I was far from selfish. This was scary.
But, its just who I am ( not the selfish part, just the part about me being decisive with the small things). This is something I have learnt to own. I’m a feelings type of gal, emotional, fussy, stubborn, what ever you want to call it. That’s me.
And really, all I want to do, is share all the random ‘feel good’ moments with as many people as possible, so I guess that’s why I’m so vocal/enthusiastic about it too.
YAY for ‘feel good’ moments
“You have one life, so why not make every experience a f*ckin good one.”
And trust me, extra sauce on anything, brings a bloody good experience to the meal. As does, ice in a glass of white wine. Maybe because you can drink it faster, or it lasts longer, or you can hydrate at the same time. It’s bloody good, get onboard.
So I’m black and white about the small things, but I am struggling with the big things in life, well really the big things in my head. Let’s say, I am finding it really challenging (i dont like the word struggling).
Does any one else feel lost? Do you sometimes feel there is very little satisfying you? Do you feel like you are just churning life and not really getting anything out of it, apart from the basics of domestic bliss (insert rolling eyed emoji), and keeping your husband/partner/Self and child alive?
These questions sound very dark and deep. And I often get angry at myself for thinking these deep questions, especially when I am honestly so grateful for what I have in my life and also what I have achieved. But I cant ignore the feelings and the thoughts. They are there for a reason. There is no point not addressing them ( especially for an emotional, feelings talker, must get to the solution type of girl like me). I just cant ignore them.
The other day, my hubby said to me
“Can you just be content in living, and being happy just with now, why do you always have to be looking for the next thing, have you ever felt content?”
WHOLLY F*CKIN COW….WHAT IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT……IM CONTENT!!!!!!!!!
MRS DEFENSIVE entered the room for this one….. but you know what….
I actually couldn’t really answer that question.
I thought so hard.
And at first, yes, I got really defensive ( poor buggar).
” What do you mean? I’m content. I just like lots of activities and I like to have plans and goals to look forward to, and……. I can be content?”
But I was lying to myself, and him.
It really hit home for me.
I actually couldn’t list on one hand, how many times I have felt content.
And it got me thinking, (again… I know… your probably thinking…”this bitch does a lot of thinking”)
I have been so caught up in just CHURNING.
No wonder I feel so lost.
I am not doing anything to satisfy my ‘personal’ needs – right NOW. But I’m lost because I don’t really know what those needs are.
I am helping with the business (out of love) because I want to alleviate the pressure off the hubby and I know in the future it will be worth it.
I am cleaning, cooking, food shopping, washing, preparing, decluttering, because, well someone has to, and I am house proud, and we have to eat, and that’s just the normal thing of having a house and people living in your house.
I am trying to keep into my exercise because it gives me more energy, makes me feel good, and helps with loosing the baby weight.
And sometimes after spending a full day with a whinging toddler, doing all the everyday churning activities, the hubby gets home and your kid ONLY wants to play with them. How come they get all the fun, happy play times? Does this happen to anyone else? I honestly feel a little forgotten and unwanted…. by a 1 year old…. I know right??? Like WTF. Slap out of it girl.
But I had one of these days and it made me realise I wasnt personally satisfied with anything.
Now dont get me wrong
I love the short one. I love that I am a mum. I am very grateful that I can be a mum. But sometimes you just dont get much satisfaction from being a mum on the day-to-day. SOMETIMES being the key word.
I’m working bloody hard but not getting paid or appreciated. So I dont get that good feeling of doing a good, hard days work and seeing a salary hit the bank account and being like “CHA….CHING $$$$$$” – online shopping here I come”, or someone there giving you some encouragement or affirmation or praise or some bloody feedback. I have always been very career driven, so this is challenging for me to get my head around. Something that I thought wouldn’t affect me until I kept getting turned down from jobs. Why do I need that affirmation all the time? Or that sense of satisfaction? Why can’t I just know in myself that I’m good at x, y & z? (Obviously I can’t, but WHY???)
(Image Cred: RawPixel)
I love my hubby. He is very supportive and I am grateful he is in my life. He works extremely hard and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
But I guess the big question is, do I love who I am?
Do I love what I do as a mum, as a wife, as a friend?
There is obviously something missing, and maybe some of my ‘beliefs’ need to change ( I know that’s pretty Nimbin of me to say right?). But I know I need something more, and I have been trying to find a project that will satisfy my ‘obvious’ need for something more. Do we renovate? Should we buy a house? Should we have another baby? Should I go to full time work? Should I start my own business? So many projects I am trying to think about to fulfil the small bit of emptiness I have inside.
Theres that old saying that says something like if we are not happy, content, satisfied – (what ever you want to call it) in ourselves, most things around us dont seem to function as well as they should (not 100% sure on the actual saying). But I think this is true. So I’m on a mission to fill the emptiness.
So how the F*CK do I find myself, find my NEW identity, how can I get some ‘personal’ satisfaction back into my life? How can I find something that will bring me a true sense of belonging?
WHAT’S STOPPING ME????
WHO BLOODY KNOWS!!!!!!!
Sorry I have no solutions YET. But they are coming. I am so bloody determined to find the bloody blockage and get some enjoyment and excitement back into my head – so I can love this life I have worked so bloody hard for.
I’m going to try a few things, because I am so sick of these stupid questions running through my head.
My values have changed since becoming a parent. And I obviously just need to figure out what I can do to get a bit more ‘personal’ satisfaction in my life. My emotional and mental tank is not full, and I need to figure out what I need to fill that mother f*cker UP!!!!!!!
So standby for the next post… and hopefully I will have some answers to share.
And If you dont hear from me in the next 4 months… send out a search party. Hahaha
This crazy, determined bitch is going to find that block and smash it down with force!!!!! Woooooohooooo