Lou Fitz

Professional Anxiety Sufferer

Lou Fitz

Professional Anxiety Sufferer

Parenting stigmas and my new mum mind: A Comparison

Nov 1, 2017 | Anxiety and Parenting

So I thought my Anxiety was bad before I had baby!!! But wholly shit, this ‘first time’ parenting gig has taken it to a WHOLE new level. I worry about the small things, and read into everything as it is. Chuck a baby in the mix and its like Anxiety on steroids…

I would like to share with you an entertaining, and maybe relatable, comparison between what I think the mum/dad stigma is, and my personal reality. Well, the shit that goes on in my head. Now this isn’t about being right or wrong, and I’m not being a negative Nelly. It is just the real, raw, honest truth that is swirling around in my VERY active, sleep deprived, exhausted, milking station mind.

Being a “MUM” stigma:

Your the woman so you must have the instinct and you should just drop your life and WANT to be a mum. The baby knows your the mum, you’re  meant to do everything associated with the baby, and the house, because you have the tits, and that’s what women do, and you should just know that’s your job, because that’s what happened in the olden days and that’s what our parents did, so now, “society” expects this from you, and you must conform!!!!

Vs

REALITY (What happens in my head):

Maybe I want to come back as a man (and guys I’m not saying you have it easy, there are stigmas attached to the dad too). It wasn’t my choice to be a woman. I am thankful that I am a mum, but don’t want to stop living my life, just to be a mum – I actually need to have a life in order to be a better mum and grow as a person. It becomes instinct because I get so overwhelmed (+ intense ANXIETY) by all the bits of advice available on google that I get so confused and don’t know what to do, because its all so contradicting. I have spent countless early mornings reading this advice, getting taken down hundreds of rabbit holes, confusing myself even more, giving myself even more anxiety that I’m not doing it the ‘right’ way. So I end up just going with my gut, and that works (most of the time).
The baby knows I’m the mum because It grew inside me over 9 months and I gave up (Sacrificed) pretty much everything to be its vessel, and now this vessel is F*kt, this vessel wont be doing what it used to, and I am slowly learning to be ok with that.
Maybe if I had super powers I could totally do EVERYTHING associated with the baby, and the house – but its actually impossible. I even tried this for 3-4 months because as a ‘new mum’ that’s what you think you have to do, but realized how bloody stupid I was.
And just because I have tits doesn’t mean they work, or I even want to use them, what if only one of them works? is there such a thing  as a one sided push up bra?? Someone needs to get onto that, I would invest!!!
I actually LOVE work and spend every spare minute (not that I have many), researching, learning, educating myself on everything and anything NOT to do with the baby, or cleaning, or cooking, or washing, or shopping, or planning (even though I love planning), because if I don’t stimulate my brain in any other way, I would honestly turn into a crazy anxious banshee living on Old McDonalds farm with four ducks that went out one day and didn’t come back…

” some days I honestly feel like going and getting lost with the bloody ducks”

Now I thought I’d just chuck something in here for the dads. And yes I am clearly not a dad and don’t know exactly how the dad thinks or what they feel are “Dad” stigmas, but I will give it a go. Even just for shits and giggles.

Being a “DAD” stigma:

Your the man so you must provide. You must not get emotional. You must stay strong and ensure that you can show that you have everything under control. Be supportive and work hard to bring the money in. You have the balls so you must be able to cope after having no sleep, waking up to go and work for 12 hours then come home and be a dad and a supportive husband. Harden up Princess…

Vs

REALITY (What I think happens in a dad’s head):

After seeing the Mrs birth my child, I don’t have the balls, she’s got the balls. That shit was INTENSE!!!! And Euphoric, and like a f*ckin murder scene. My senses just got smashed!!!
I’m trying to stay strong but I feel so helpless. The baby just wants its mum. I feel like I can’t do anything and I feel so useless. The baby just knows that it wants the mum. I’m trying hard to support her but she is so fricken emotional, and I don’t know what else to do. It’s like she is Pezzin (got her period) 10 fold!!!!
Why doesn’t she want anything to do with me? All I want to do is to spoon her on the couch, but she just said she needs some space. So then I organise to catch up with the boys so I can give her some space, but then she bites my head off and starts crying saying that I’m not helping and that I don’t get it. What a f*ckin psycho!!!
This shit is fricken hard. I feel like I’m living with a Wild Banshee. SAVE ME GOD DAM IT!!!
Why is she snapping at me over the smallest thing? I think she is just overtired.
I wonder if the other guys are going through this. I thought I was doing my job by providing and giving her everything she needs. She spent half our f*cking mortgage on the bloody baby room, what else does she want?
I love this baby. Is it ok to say how much I love my baby? Or is it just not ‘cool’ to say that? Why has everything changed with our relationship? She doesn’t want me to touch her. I’d love a root. I think we both just need to relieve some tension.
I think I’m doing the best I can. I can only do so much. The kid just wants milk and doesn’t want me.
I wonder if the baby knows I’m the dad.
So I guess my purpose of sharing these thoughts, like most of the thoughts I share. Is that it is so crucial that we start crushing these ‘old school’ societal stigmas, and the only way to do that is for us, as new parents, to get this old shit out of our head, be open and honest when people ask how “the new parenting gig” is going.
And MOST importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate. To your partner or your support group. Because remember…

We can’t read each others minds – express whats going on in your head

This isn’t the olden days anymore – don’t apply old expectations

Support and encourage each other always.

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